Brain Attack

Kia ora, crüe,

A few months back, I had a couple of strokes. That’s not a euphemism. I mean, strokes-strokes. Brain attacks. A good ol’ cerebrovascular catastrophe (or two, in my case). Neither was much fun. 

Initially, I felt like I walked away fairly unscarred, but a few months on, the damage is more apparent. Life has felt like a long, slow, and frustrating slog since my strokes, and I am not, by any means, back to full health. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be fighting fit again. 

That said, being alive – albeit with a few wobbles and glitches – is a lot better than being dead and buried. All things considered, I’m extremely grateful to be walking, talking, and still able to share garlic-pepper tofu with my whānau. I was hoping I’d bounce back quicker, but that’s not been the case. Still, the fact I’m even dictating this line is a blessing (of a non-woo-woo sort).

I didn’t need to suffer two strokes to remind me that life is precious or that aging is a privilege (or that good health is a godsend). This is my second time knocking on death’s door. I OD'd, my heart stopped, and I turned blue on a hospital gurney in October 1999, and every day since then has felt like a bonus to me. My OD wasn’t an accident, and after that experience, I cleaned up, got sober, and have spent decades in and out of therapy to help maintain my equilibrium. Life’s not been easy for me, but I appreciate the gift of living it. 

Generally, I’m a PMA-y kind of person. Obviously, it is difficult to maintain a positive mindset when life is frequently a fucking grind, and to be frank, having two strokes has really tested my ability to feel positive about anything. Point being: life is a struggle. But I have fought hard and survived abuse, addiction, homelessness, and mental illness. And I’ll survive (and learn something) from this latest setback, too. 

I don’t know why I had two strokes, but it likely has something to do with living with a few unfun diseases and competing comorbidities. I’m an old(er) guy, but having two strokes at my age isn’t routine. It’s all been really scary, and it’s left me feeling vulnerable (with a few physical and cognitive malfunctions), but given the spectrum of devastating symptoms strokes can deliver, I count myself lucky, and I’m looking forward to better days.

Writing-wise, I’m cooked (at present, at least). I had to ask someone else to type this post for me because sitting at a keyboard and trying to write leaves me feeling extremely nauseous. It’s frustrating, because I can think of things to write, but the actual typing bit is tough. According to my neurologist, I will regain the ability to write for long periods without wanting to throw up. But for now, I feel like I have a huge concussion that won’t abate, and I essentially feel seasick and off-balance whenever I try to type anything. 

I have one long-term project – Noise Zealand, a series about significant noisy releases from Aotearoa – that I started writing but have now paused. However, I will return to that asap. I have no idea when I’ll feel up to writing longer articles again, but I was talking to a physio about keeping my brain active, and I’m exploring the idea of doing a vidcast or podcast, which might help with my rehab and get my music-obsessive neurons humming again. (I might do something small, maybe album deep dives. It’ll be something low-key, anyway.)  

Alright, that’s it. That’s the update, the scoop, and the what’s what. Fingers crossed, I’ll return at some point. But I offer no promises or any expected dates about when that’ll be. Understandably, I’m not going to put any pressure on myself. A stroke is bad news. Two is even worse news. So I’m taking things day by day, step by step. 

Having no social media presence means anything/everything I do is bound to remain super-fucking-niche. If you’re curious, check back here on occasion to see what’s up or where I’m at. I miss the connection that sharing great music forges, so I’m dead keen to get back to shouting about noisy tunes (in some form) soon. 

As always, thanks for tuning in. Go easy on yourself – and kia kaha.

Mā te wā.

C xx

PS: If you’ve emailed me lately, here’s why I haven’t got back to you. Soz.

PPS: You should absolutely check out the new Fiscal Hole / Maced split on Bandcamp. (Another punk, grind, and/or powerviolence-y scorcher from Aotearoa label Razored Raw.) FYI, the new Maced tracks are all-fire.